Another 25th

Another 25th....even fifteen months later, the 25th of every month continues to envelop a sense of melancholy.  I still miss my little guy tremendously and think about him constantly, especially as I see his little sister with so many of his same characteristics.

Several days I was holding Ani and talking to her as she stared back at me with her big eyes.  She was grinning at me and let out a little laugh, and I couldn't help myself from bursting into tears.  Her crooked smile is very Granty-esque, and the laugh reminded me instantly of Grant's bout of laughter on the morning of his biopsy.  I knew a wave of sadness from reminders of Grant was bound to happen, so I'm just glad I was at home alone with Ani when it did.

Yesterday Alexa was singing the refrain of "Gone Gone Gone," so I decided to pull up the video on YouTube so she could sing along with the video.  As Alexa sang the song - emphasizing her favorite 'Like a drum' part - she looked at me and immediately knew that I was getting a little emotional.  She put her hand on my knee and said in earnest, "It's okay to be sad, Mommy, but just remember that this song is Granty's way of saying "Hi" to us.  I get happy when I hear this song."  As a parent, I always envisioned I would provide the emotional support for Alexa...I never expected the roles to be reversed, especially when she uses my rationale.  I don't think Alexa will ever understand the role she has played to enable me to deal with my grief.

The significance of the 25th of every month will likely never fade, but I continue to find strength in the lasting role that Grant has in our family.  Ani will never get to know her brother in-person, but the memories held by Damon, Alexa and myself and explained to her will undoubtedly instill an emotional bond between them.  Afterall, he is one amazing guardian angel and likely a very protective older brother.