Thank You, Granty!

Based upon everything that has happened in the past three months, it would be very easy to make a blanket statement and say 2012 was one of the worst years of my life.  However, when I think about everything that occurred over the past twelve months, this statement does not seem as applicable.  From the ultrasound in January that revealed I was carrying a boy, to Alexa's 3rd birthday in March, to our first annual family vacation in August...it was a pretty phenomenal year.  Grant's birth on June 3rd was the highlight of my year, and the months after that provided me with a sense completeness like I had never felt before.  I loved watching Alexa grow up into a little girl and embrace the big sister (and Mommy's little helper) role.  I have never been more happy or content.

The last three months of the year definitely constituted the most trying time of my life, but it was through these trials that I have learned the most valuable lessons about life and myself.  My heart aches for the loss of my Granty, but I wouldn't trade the 175 days I had with him for anything in the world - despite everything, these were the best days of my life.  Through Grant's example, I learned what really matters in life and developed an appreciation for what it means to live one's life to the fullest.  I have a new hero, role model and inspiration. 

Thank you for a great year, my beloved Granty-boy.

Back Home

Home sweet home.

Alexa and I are back in Arizona, as we made the turbulent and longer than usual flight tonight.  Thankfully Alexa was sleeping soundly for nearly the entire flight, so I commandeered the iPad and her bedazzled Hello Kitty headphones and caught up on "Modern Family" episodes to pass the time.

We had a wonderful trip in St. Louis, and it was the perfect break we needed.  It was a jam-packed week of family, holiday celebrations, a private zoo tour, snow....and Steak-n-Shake.  It was good to be home (my perma-home). :)

When Alexa woke up this morning, she noticed NeNe and Papa were nowhere to be found, so I informed her they had gone to church for 7am mass.  Alexa's immediate response was, "Oh - they're celebrating Granty at church."  She uses the term celebrate to refer to praying, because she knows we are usually thanking God when we pray together (always concluding with an emphatic "DAMON" instead of Amen....we'll work on that).  When her cousin Mara corrected her and told her that NeNe and Papa were instead celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ (not Granty), Alexa didn't skip a beat nor retract her statement.  She simply replied, "I had ice cream cake for His birthday."  We did - Christmas dinner included Damon's favorite Baskin Robbins cake.

It's amazing what Alexa has been able to comprehend throughout this entire process; I truly think she understands how we remember and celebrate the life of our beloved Granty.  There are definitely times that Damon and I wish she didn't understand everything that has happened, but I am pleasantly surprised that she has only happy memories and positive associations of Grant.  And yes, NeNe did confirm - - she and Papa were celebrating Granty at church this morning.

Alexa looked like a Steak-N-Shake regular
while waiting for our 'Takhomasak' order.

Winter Wonderland (for an AZ child)

I awoke at 4am to Alexa peering behind the shades in our room as she checked to make sure the snow that was falling when she went to bed was still there.  It was - all half-inch of it - and Alexa was ready to take full advantage of it.  I bribed her to go back to sleep for a bit, but we were outside by 8am and ready to sled on the hill by my parents' house.  Alexa wasn't phased at all that the grass was poking through the snow; this was a winter wonderland in her eyes.  It was a very magical feeling to watch her experience her first memorable snowfall (obviously she didn't remember our winters in New Jersey).

Alexa is a good athlete, and her athletic prowess was on full display as she sled down the hill and charged back to the top...it was quite the workout for both of us!  After three trial runs sitting on my lap, Alexa informed be she was ready to sled by herself and down the hill she went.  I was impressed that she didn't have a single wipeout - she was grinning from ear to ear on each run.  Damon was a pretty accomplished snow skier when he was young, and he's always said that he will take Alexa on her first ski trip when she's five-years-old.  Judging by her excitement today, I think a 2014 ski trip will be the highlight of her year.



So excited to see snow - she's been waiting for it
since our plane landed last Sunday afternoon.

Thank goodness her Chicago and Wisconsin cousins

brought winter coats for Alexa to use & leave in StL.

After a few trial runs with Mom...

...She's an expert sledder.



Fond Memories

After the Phoenix Zoo last week and a private tour and giraffe encounter at the St. Louis Zoo today, I don't know how we'll ever be able to do a "normal" zoo visit again....we're officially spoiled.  My cousin Joe arranged an amazing tour of the St. Louis Zoo for Alexa and myself today (Damon was very disappointed to miss it), and we were lucky to have my good friend Molly and her two sons join us for the visit.  They were the perfect companions.  We had a blast!

I knew it was going to be a great day when the representative from the zoo escorted us to a golf cart so he could drive us around the zoo.  Andy (from the St. Louis Zoo) was a wonderful tour guide - - Molly and I could not believe how much knowledge he had about the zoo and its animals, although I was also impressed that Molly recalled some of "fun facts" from her days of working as a guide on the zoo railroad.  He was also great with the kids and really made the day a once-in-a-lifetime experience for each of us.

After we hopped on the cart, we headed up to the Antelope House to meet and feed the zoo's two giraffes.  They actually closed the Antelope House to the public to provide us a private experience with the giraffes - - very cool.  The zoo keeper had eucalyptus branches set out for us to hold up and allow the giraffes to munch on the leaves.  The strength of these animals is pretty amazing - Alexa quickly learned she had to hold on with all of her might to keep the giraffe from pulling the entire branch out of her hand.  Alexa and the boys had so much fun feeding the giraffes.  It was very cute to see each of them with their heads tilted up to stare at the huge giraffes, and I noticed Alexa was sticking out her tongue while she fed them as if she was prompting them to eat.  Her smile, exuberance, joy, etc... made me so happy.  It was nice to see her as a "normal" three-year-old, not asking about death or talking about topics way beyond her years.

The tour didn't stop with the giraffes; Andy drove us through the entire zoo.  Amazing.  We saw so many animals, including Alexa's mistaken tiger-camel (don't ask), Jack's favorite animal - the zebra, the new Sea Lion Sound, etc...  I think some of the other highlights were Big Cat Country - - the lions were playing and pouncing, something I'd never seen before, and an up-close visit from an alpaca as he was being led on a leash to the Children's Zoo. 

It was really an incredible experience, and Andy topped off the day with stuffed giraffes for each of the kids and pink giraffe hats for Molly and myself.  It was a wonderful day....Granty was with us in spirit.  You can't look at a giraffe's beautiful eyes and never-ending eyelashes without thinking of my precious little boy.

Quite the up-close experience with the giraffes.

The look of wonder and awe that brings so much happiness to me.

The line-up of kids feeding the two giraffes.

Absolutely loving the experience.

Mimicking the giraffes' tongues.

Two very well-fed giraffes.

Alexa's sparkle giraffe t-shirt was a hit with the zoo employees.

The alpaca took quite the liking to Alexa.

The 'Buddy Bands' from high school have been replaced.

A very happy crew after today's visit - - thank you, Cousin Joe!!!



A Holiday Poem

Damon headed back to Arizona bright and early this morning; I think he was looking forward to warmer temperatures but wasn't looking forward to leaving Alexa and myself.  Apparently I have also become acclimated to Arizona weather, as my running apparel today (t-shirt, hoodie, Nike coat, scarf, gloves and running tights) solicited some laughs, especially from my brother-in-law who was sporting shorts for the run.  I was proud to point out that all of my pieces were well-coordinated, so at least I was running warm and in style.

Tonight I attended a cousins' party on my mom's side of the family, and it was a great opportunity to see some of the extended family and have longer, more personal conversations that cannot normally be had in the huge group settings.  All of my cousins have been extremely supportive to Damon and myself, and Joe and Emily gave me a poem on my way out that provides a nice perspective on the holiday.  I'm not sure of the author, but I don't want to take undue credit nor plagiarize..... :)

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.  With tiny lights, like Heaven's starts, reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear.  For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.  But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring.  For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me, I see pain inside your heart.  But I am not so far away, we really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear.  And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.  I sent you each a memory of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious than pure gold.  It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.  For I can't count the blessing or love He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.  Remember I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Papa Hovey paid a visit and sent this picture today....

My Granty

Today the Niehoff celebration of Christmas kicked into high-gear, with two of my siblings and their families arriving in St. Louis.  Alexa was eagerly awaiting the arrival of her cousins and must have asked 100+ times when they would be arriving, because, in her words, they were taking forever.  I was working remotely today, so thankfully NeNe was able to keep her occupied by giving her tasks to do before her cousins arrived, the most important one being the placement of the gifts under the Christmas tree.

I was working in the other room and listening to my mom (NeNe) try to continue the promotion of phonics to Alexa.  As my mom was showing Alexa the nametags on the gifts, they discovered that all of the grandchildren had an "A" in their name.  After going through each child's name in descending age order, my mom was explaining the placement of the "A" in Grant's name.  Alexa excitedly said, "My Granty!?!"  I love that she continues to cherish her brother and big sister role; nothing makes me happier.

Today's 'weepy moment of the day' came when my parents were opening the photo calendar of all of their grandchildren.  This was the second year we had given them a grandchildren calendar, and I had designed it, so I was very familiar with the layouts, photos, etc... and had already seen it plenty of times.  However, as my mom flipped to June (Grant's birth month), I started to cry, as the reality that Granty will never have a first birthday hit home.  I did feel a little better when I saw Damon and my sisters (in-law too) were tearing up as well - - it's always better to cry with people versus the soda aisle of Fry's :)  This boy evokes the tears and emotion from everyone.  To think I used to be the unemotional one - - so much so that my sister Julie even said it in a legal deposition (lol).  Yes, my little boy has changed me....

The kids' table tonight....

Bittersweet

Today was not only Christmas Day but also the one-month anniversary of Granty's death, so it was a day of mixed emotions and bittersweet celebration.  It seems like ages since I've held my little boy or seen his vivacious smile; it's hard to believe it's only been one-month.  Damon and I know it's going to get easier sometime, but this has been one heck of a rough month and a true test of our faith.

This was the first Christmas that Alexa grasped the concept of Santa, and her excitement this morning was a welcome start to the day.  She's a very meticulous present-opener, making sure to remove ever last bit of wrapping paper from each present, so the gift opening lasted about 20 minutes this morning.  Even though Santa forgot a collection of Disney Princess dolls in Damon's closet in Arizona, Alexa was thrilled by the gifts he brought her - - the coveted dress-up clothes and a pink camera were the highlights.  Santa did try to interject some educational components, surprising her with a phonics book and an A-B-C bead game.  It's worth a shot... :)

As I was running this afternoon (braving the freezing temperatures and wind), I was thinking about my Granty - a pretty normal thought whenever I'm running.  It would have been cute to see him sitting and creeping on the floor, probably trying to tear off some wrapping paper.  I'm sure big sister Alexa would have been just as excited for the gifts Santa brought Grant as she was for her own.  Ahh...what could have been. 

Despite not having a physical presence, Granty was with us today.  The front page of the St. Louis newspaper had an article about Matt Holliday and David Freese, two St. Louis Cardinals, who pay regular visits to a children's hospital in St. Louis and have befriended the patients, including some cancer patients.  It was truly a feel-good story about two amazing athletes but also two selfless superstars - I can only imagine the excitement of the kids they meet.  I had to smile thinking about Granty and his stuffed Fredbird (the Cardinals mascot) that was always next to him in the hospital bed and even accompanied him to surgery.  As I checked out the Phoenix newspaper online, a front page article discussed the Ryan House, the children's hospice home that we had considered for Grant's last week before deciding to stay in PICU.  It just seemed a pretty unique coincidence that both newspapers featured front page articles about topics so relevant to Grant and our family.

An ornament in Granty's honor adorns my parents' Christmas tree.

Santa paid tribute to Granty with a pink giraffe swimsuit for Alexa.
As soon as she saw it, she said "Granty!"

Merry Christmas (Eve)!

The combination of tiredness and an unreliable wi-fi connection overrode the update of the blog yesterday.  Damon flew in yesterday morning with all of Alexa's presents (he flew Southwest vs. Alexa and I on US Airways - - free luggage), so I had to wait until late last night to wrap all of her gifts.  I threw my normal perfectionism out the window and was just focused on getting paper on each gift, with no regard to appearance.  My how my priorities have changed. :)

We had a wonderful Christmas Eve with both the Niehoff and Hoeing sides of the family.  It had been years since we'd visited both sides of the family on Christmas Eve, so it was a nice throwback to a tradition of Christmases past.  The evening began in a perfect manner - a mass said in Grant's honor at my Uncle Paul and and Aunt Midge's house.  The spirit of our little boy is always with us.

The gatherings were exactly what Damon and I needed - great food (including my spectacular 'homemade' dip from Costco) and being surrounded by the love of our extended family.  Alexa was having the time of her life playing with all of her 'new friends' (first cousins once removed), and the excitement of the day kept her up after 10pm.  Today should be interesting.....

Alexa and Simone (my cousin Sara's daughter).
Two peas in a pod.....

Happy to be with Godmother Auntie Karen.

Alexa and Cousin Marie - the blonde crew.

Another Kind of Zoo - - the Airport

Alexa and I flew to St. Louis this morning, and had a different kind of zoo experience than yesterday morning...the Phoenix Airport was busy!  Thankfully Alexa and I had only carry-on bags, and, thanks to my sister, there was already a car seat in St. Louis - - the luggage check-in lines were snaking through the airport.  Whew!  A TSA agent noticed Alexa and I waiting patiently in the security checkpoint line, and he came over to us and told us to switch to the employee line.  I'm not sure if it was the holiday spirit or something else, but the TSA agent saved us probably 30-45 minutes of waiting time.  After a completely full flight and two maintenance delays totaling over an hour, we made it safely to St. Louis.  Despite the delays, Alexa was extremely well-behaved on the flight.  She couldn't get off the plane and into the terminal fast enough; as soon as she saw her beloved NeNe (Grandma Niehoff), she sprinted towards her screaming, "NeNe!!!"  I think that made my mom's day.... :)

Granty continues to be in the forefront of all of our minds, especially as the one-month anniversary (December 25th) of his passing draws near.  I was packing his "GVH" tote to use as a carry-on for the trip, and Alexa was in his room with me as I pulled out some of his personal effects from that last hospital stay.  Alexa pulled out his little green, rattle ball and said, "Aww....Granty's ball.  Why did he have to die?"  Good thing she's easily distracted because I had no answer for that...trust me, I wish I did.  Another reminder came on the airplane - I had booked the tickets in early September (well-before any of the major life-changing events), so Grant was booked on the reservation as a lap child.  The flight attendants were in the back of the plane trying to find the elusive lap child that was included on the flight's manifest.  I had to tell them that originally my son was going to be flying with us but the plans had changed.  Argh. 

It is good to be home in St. Louis - Alexa's been in heaven with the attention she's receiving from her grandparents and godmother (Auntie Karen).  Alexa's teacher also helped to improve my mood, as she sent me one of the pictures from the pajama/cookie decorating party earlier this week (Thank you, Ms. LeAnna!) - - the picture is below.

One happy cookie decorator....looks like she
was also the official icing taste tester.

Sunrise at the Zoo

Through the kindness of a co-worker and his connection at the Phoenix Zoo, our family was given an amazing opportunity to visit with the giraffes today.  We arrived at the zoo around 7am (an hour before it opened to members), and we were escorted to the giraffe barn for an up-close encounter with the giraffes before they were released into the savanna for the day.  Upon entering the barn, we were immediately mesmerized by the giraffes - - they are such beautiful animals.  I never realized the acuteness of their senses, but as soon as we entered the barn, all five giraffes took notice of our presence...some a little bit more interested in us than others.  It was amazing to stand within a few feet of the animals as they towered over us.

We headed outside of the barn to a fenced area where the zookeeper had plenty of biscuits and treats to feed them.  Alexa was in pure heaven, and I saw a sense of giddiness and glee that I haven't seen in a long time.  She absolutely loved having the giraffes crane their necks and swoop down to grab a treat from her hand with their big black tongues.  It look a few treats for her to get the hang of it (she kept dropping the treats before the giraffes had them wrapped in their tongues), but she loved every minute of it.  The giraffes definitely took a liking to Miss Alexa when she had the treats in her hand.

Damon and I just stepped back and enjoyed: Alexa's excitement and joy, the majestic nature of the animals and, of course, thoughts of our beloved little boy.  The giraffes are the perfect animal to associate with Granty - amazing eyelashes around big, round eyes, a gentle demeanor and a remarkable sense of surroundings.  A quiet but powerful presence.

Alexa new it was going to be a special day when Granty the Elf left a sparkle giraffe t-shirt and matching hair clips for her.  The visit to the zoo did not disappoint.  Alexa and I were driving down the 101 freeway to friends' house tonight, and she began discussing the excitement of the zoo and the fun she had there.  Without any prompting or questions, she told me the boy giraffe (there was one male and four females) reminded her of Granty.  My eyes welled up with tears (shocking, I know), and I was so happy to hear that she has made such a positive association between Granty and giraffes.  Damon and I want nothing more than for her to have wonderful memories of her beloved baby brother, and it sounds like we're on the right track.

The Hovey fam - with 3 of the 5 giraffes.

No shyness here (from the giraffe nor Alexa).

The face is priceless - - pure joy.

Little Miss Popular

Coming in for the biscuit.

Always a show-off....pretending to eat the giraffe treats :)

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Alexa's Montessori School held it's Primary Class Winter Program today, so Damon and I were excited to go to the school to see Alexa perform with her class.  I finally let her wear a pink, glittery dress she's been begging to wear - it has a great "twirl factor" - and she was beside herself getting ready this morning.  She's been singing every holiday song (some that I don't even know), and Fridays with Mr. John, the music teacher, have been the highlights of her week.  Alexa's class was the first to sing their song - "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."  Damon and I were very proud of our little girl; she was up there performing her heart out - - belting out the words, head bobbing, hand motions, etc...  I'm hoping the school will sell the videos, because it truly was a priceless performance that had Damon and I smiling and laughing.

On the way out of the performance, we saw what would have been Granty's Infant class sitting in the 4-child strollers.  We were happy to see the teachers who truly loved G (that was the planned name because there was a Graham in class) as if he had been one of their own.  I know Damon and I both got a little weepy - that seems to be our norm these days - as we saw one open seat in the stroller.  It was one of those wistful moments.....

Papa Hovey paid a visit to our little boy today, and I'm proud to say that he's decorated for the holidays too.  Cue additional weepy moments... :)

Ready for her big performance....
(Notice Granty the Elf in the background - -
he likes to do gymnastics and is usually hanging or swinging.)

Decorated for the holidays.

The Magic of Christmas

It's hard to believe Christmas is just five days away...yikes!

I have a very dear friend, Linda, in New Jersey who is one of the most festive people I know when it comes to Christmas - - - her house has so many decorations that it rivals the Macy's Herald Square in New York City.  I can only imagine what she would say if she saw my arsenal of Christmas decorations (or lack thereof) here in Arizona.  Anyway, I absolutely love the whimsy and spirit of the holidays that she exudes.  Earlier this week, she sent me a note asking for pictures and some information about Alexa - what she wanted for Christmas, things she was doing in school, etc... - so I knew Linda was up to something.  I found out today when I received an e-mail of a Santa video that was created for especially for Alexa (I should have mentioned Linda's super-creative too) on a 'Portable North Pole' website.  I wish I had a camera to videotape Alexa as she was watching the Santa video - her jaw dropped when Santa and the elves mentioned her name, and she could barely contain her excitement as she watch the video that included pictures of her while Santa mentioned all of those special things about her.  She was actually talking back to the video, as if Santa could hear her, and shrieking with excitement at every scene.  It was an awesome feeling to see the magic and wonderment of Christmas alive in Alexa.

In another instance of keeping a spirit alive, I'm very happy to note that Granty has been commemorated in the PICU of Phoenix Children's Hospital.  A family from Alexa's Montessori School had raised money for cancer patients at PCH (this was a week or two before Grant was diagnosed), and they used the money to buy toys and games for the Child Life department at the hospital.  In a special tribute to Grant, this amazing family bought a giraffe coat hook and framed giraffe picture that are proudly displayed and dedicated to Granty in the Child Life department on the 6th floor of the hospital (PICU).  I cannot tell you how touched I was to have these special tributes to Granty in a department and place that helped us so much.

Alexa and a new doll - - she named the doll "Porkchop."
I have no idea why.....

Granty's coat hook and framed giraffe picture at PCH. :)

Joyful Reunion

Damon had the night off, so the three of us decided to have dinner together - and eat out at a restaurant, Alexa's favorite thing to do.  Alexa wanted hamburgers, so I met Damon and Alexa at Culver's on my way home from work.  Alexa was so excited to see me waiting by the counter and came running to me, bursting with excitement - it was like I hadn't seen her in days (not hours).  I'd better cherish these moments because I don't think she'll be that excited to see her mom when she's a teenager (if not sooner).  It was fun to enjoy a nice family meal together, although Alexa could barely contain herself through dinner, as she was scoping out the dessert menu and planning for her after-dinner treat.  Damon and Alexa each walked out with a scoop of custard....like father, like daughter.

Alexa decided she wanted to ride with me for the drive home, and we passed by Scottsdale Healthcare on the way.  I thought for sure she'd mention us dropping off Damon at the ER, but instead she yelled her usual "Mommy!  That's your hospital!" as we drove past the campus.  I'm glad she still has the positive association of that being the place where "Granty came out of Mommy's tummy."  It's hard to believe their first meeting was over six months ago - - I will never forget how excited she was to visit me and meet Granty on that Sunday afternoon after he was born.  He might not have been the instant playmate she expected, but, wow, she loved that little boy.  The enthusiasm is evident in the pictures.....

An instant protector of her little brother.

Checking out the baby she'd been patiently waiting for....

My little variety pack :)

Pajama Party!

I think Alexa's school has unlocked the secret to happiness for 3-5 year-olds: send them to school in their pajamas.  Today Alexa's classroom had a holiday pajama party, complete with sugar cookie decorating and a book exchange, and I have never seen Alexa more excited to go to school.  We set out her pajamas last night (Carter's 'I Love Santa' pajamas, complete with a little red tutu), and she excitedly helped me wrap the copy of "Purplicious" we had purchased for the exchange.  Damon had no trouble getting her up and moving this morning....

I was curious to see how she like the sugar cookies, since the ones I made with her were a pretty big flop, but I didn't have to worry about a taste-test today.  I guess all of the kids were eating so much icing during the decorating process that the teacher (wisely) cut them off before they could devour the cookies.  We have a big, messy bag of icing and cookies that I'm sure Alexa will be begging to eat for breakfast.

Another benefit of the excitement at school today - Alexa was so tired that she fell asleep immediately after her bath around 7:30 tonight.  I took full advantage of the mini-vacation and knocked out a six mile run on the treadmill.

Thanks for all of the well-wishes for Damon...he's doing well and is pretty much back to normal.  Whew!

My favorite kind of pajama party - my two kiddos :)

A 'Summer in AZ' pajama party - not nearly as well-attired.

A Visit to the ER

Well, the Hovannisian family is definitely taking full advantage of our health care benefits in 2012 - - maternity care, childbirth, Grant's hospitalizations, surgeries, chemo.... Damon decided he needed to partake in the health care claims as well.  Around 1am today, I drove him to the ER of Scottsdale Healthcare, where he was diagnosed with kidney stones.  Thankfully they were small enough (although the painscale was probably a nine) that he didn't need surgery, and he was back home around 3:30am.

Alexa was initially very scared when we dropped Damon off at the hospital, as she was concerned that (like Granty) he wouldn't be coming home.  Thankfully we had a surprisingly coherent and production discussion - especially for 1am - about Emergency Rooms versus hospitalizations; I simply explained that ER's are a doctor's office when the regular doctors are sleeping.  It helped when I told her she had been to an ER as a baby (horrible case of croup), to which she exclaimed, "And I'm a healthy kid!"  I think Damon and I will be having a lot of conversations with Alexa over the next few years whenever she's sick, going to the doctor, etc... Sigh.

In a bit of irony, a nurse working last night was the same one who had taken care of us when Grant was in the Pediatric ER at six-days old.  Jay was a phenomenal nurse who took great care of us - personally bringing up meds from the pharmacy, moving us from the ER to PICU after his shift ended (it ended up being a pretty hilarious transport because he had no idea where he was going since transporting patients was way outside his normal job responsibilities)....  He knew Damon looked familiar, and as soon as Damon began to jog his memory, Jay remembered Grant immediately.  Needless to say, he was devastated and saddened to find out what happened to Grant, and he was speechless to know that the white blood cell count from lumbar puncture that was diagnosed as meningitis was likely an indicator of the tumor.  Jay echoed exactly the same sentiments we heard at Phoenix Children's - never would they ever suspect a brain tumor in a six-day-old newborn.

It did bring a smile to my face to know that Jay remembered Granty - even at six-days old, he still left a lasting impression.  During that first hospitalization at Scottsdale Shea (not Phoenix Children's), the nurses in PICU fawned over Grant and loved having a newborn baby in their care.  I pulled up some of the pictures we had taken of Grant during the 'meningitis' hospital stay, and I just shook my head.  Alexa wanted us to bring him a toy, and she randomly selected a giraffe plush bowling pin for him.  The giraffe trend began well-before we even realized it.

It was love at first sight with the giraffe....

'Grant the Champ' showing his strength at just one week old.

A Busy Weekend

For the first time since I initiated the blog, I missed an update yesterday.  Damon and I went to a Christmas Party last night, the first time we've been out in a very long time, and we did not get home until after 1:30am.  I think I was asleep within 2 minutes of my head hitting the pillow.

Yesterday afternoon, Alexa and I did (finally) bake the sugar cookies - - unfortunately they weren't that good.  I knew they had fallen short of the mark when Alexa left one uneaten on her plate; that girl has never passed up an opportunity to eat a sweet.  Regardless, we did have fun cutting out the dough, baking and decorating them.  We even made a special "G" cookie in Granty's honor - despite the lack of flavor, it was the best cookie ever :)

Damon and I were fortunate to snag the babysitting services of a favorite, former teacher from Alexa's school, and we headed out to a Christmas Party for a night of friends and great food.  It was wonderful to see friends we had not seen in a long time, including some who have moved out-of-state.  The party provided a nice reminder of the joy and festive atmosphere that surrounds the holidays, and it took our minds off of everything for a couple of hours.  Our thoughts are never from our little boy though, as he was a topic of conversation (and tears) on our drive home. 

Some of our friends joined us this afternoon at the house to watch football and catch-up.  Alexa was in heaven playing with their four-year-old daughter, and it was cute to watch their nearly two-year-old boy chase after the silly girls.  It was a relaxing afternoon with friends, and there was definite entertainment in watching the guys watch the Cowboys-Steelers game. 

I was at the grocery store picking up a few things to have at the house (our refrigerator looks like a twenty-something bachelor's), and I had a bit of a teary moment in the soda aisle of the grocery store, as I heard 'Ave Maria' playing on the store's sound system.  Argh - - what store plays 'Ave Maria'!?!  I immediately thought of my sister-in-law Carolyn belting out the hymn for the procession of Granty's funeral, and I could not stop my eyes from welling with tears.  Thankfully only one person was in the aisle and might have paid witness to my little 'moment.' 

There is no way to describe the emptiness and sadness that we feel for the loss of our little boy - the pain seems to be getting worse, likely correlated to the approaching holiday.  The moments of sadness hit at the most random times (i.e. the soda aisle of Fry's Foods), and they hit like a ton of bricks.  I know it's going to get easier, but I cannot ever imagine a day or a moment that I don't miss my little Granty....I'd give anything to have him back. 

A tribute cookie for our beloved Granty.

Alexa took charge and decorated the cookies -
apparently Mom was stingy with the M&M's. :)

Christmas Cookies - - Sort of

After a busy week, I had decided Alexa and I would take it easy at home tonight.  Yesterday I had bought some Christmas M&M Baking Bits, so I thought it would be fun for Alexa and I to bake sugar cookies - - from scratch, no less.  I had even picked up some new Christmas cookie cutters for the festive night of baking.  However, I quickly realized that it must not be my baking that has won over Alexa's heart.  When I grabbed the mixer from the cabinet, Alexa told me that it was Daddy's mixer (he uses it to make waffle batter), and she asked me if he knew I was using it.  Point taken - - I need to cook and bake more.  To add to Alexa's lack of confidence in my kitchen skills, I had no idea that sugar cookie batter had to chill for a couple hours before they could be baked.  Oops - looks like the cookie baking will span into tomorrow.....

I am happy to report that Alexa did like the macaroni & cheese that I made for dinner (Annie's boxed variety).  At least I didn't strike out completely in the kitchen tonight!

An eager helper (and kitchen gadget watch-dog).



Back to 'Normal'

This week I returned to work after a three-week hiatus; it has been a nice return to a sense of normalcy and provides a productive distraction for myself.  Granty is still in the forefront of my mind and I have constant reminders of my little guy - - his birth announcement is in a frame on my desk, and his pictures are the wallpaper on my computer and Blackberry.  Even giraffes have a presence in my office, as the Brownie troop of a co-worker's daughter created a giraffe poster that the girls colored with bright, cheerful colors.  The giraffe poster on my whiteboard is a much more welcome sight than my dry-erase 'to-do' lists.  It's a great feeling to know the outpouring of support continues in the workplace too...both Damon and I are extremely lucky these extended support networks.

The 'new normal' routine is like a backwards time-warp, in having to deal with only one kiddo.  It's a very odd feeling to simply head to the Montessori school after work to pick up Alexa without having to go straight home to see my little boy.  Alexa and I have been staying busy with gymnastics, ZooLights, a quick pop-in to drop of a gift that turned into dinner, etc...  Tonight we discovered our friends' neighborhood is much more festive and decorated than our own, so it looks like Alexa and I will be cruising Scottsdale to view Christmas lights and decorations (the inflatables are definitely her favorite) tomorrow night. :)

The background of my computer - - one of my favorite pics of Granty.

Pseudo-Sisters

Tonight Damon and I took Alexa and her BFF (yes, they actually call each other that) Gabriella to a pizza dinner and ZooLights at the Phoenix Zoo.  The girls were so excited for their evening together - as if seven hours together at school each day isn't enough.  Somehow the girls even managed to convince one of their teachers that they were going home together; the plan was working until Gabriella's dad wised up to it at the afternoon carline when Alexa was waiting for him too.  Oye.  When we came to get Alexa about 45 minutes later, I could the dynamic duo must have been talking about their ZooLights plans with everyone because all the teachers seemed to know about their plans for the evening.

Alexa and Gabriella are absolutely hilarious together - - they act like and resemble each other enough to be mistaken for sisters.  Their conversations span from the most mundane (wiping in the potty) to pretty heavy topics (Alexa reminding Gabriella that Granty had died) in a matter of seconds, but it's a riot to listen to them talk because they use the exact same phrases and inflection in their voices.  I can only imagine what their teachers hear on a daily basis.....

The girls were well-behaved during the course of the evening, and the highlight of the date was a ride on the merry-go-round at the zoo.  The night was a good jolt for Damon and myself to start to get into the Christmas spirit.  Although the animal sightings were very limited, we did get some reminders of our Granty through a few giraffe displays :)

The BFF's - - waiting for dinner to arrive.

A talking giraffe.

A giraffe family in lights - - rather fitting.