Deafening Silence

There's a period of time after Alexa goes to sleep and before Damon gets home from work that always brings about a pang of sadness.  The house gets so quiet and makes Granty's absence so much more palpable.....when I had the two kiddos, I would always hope for a moment of peace and quiet each night, and now I would do anything to get the cacophony back.

Grant, Alexa and I had a well-defined nightly routine - Granty and I would put Alexa to bed, and then I would carry him out into the family room for some quality one-on-one time before he fell asleep.  We'd practice sitting, read books, I'd use him as a human weight to do my ab workouts (I'd hold him in the Superman position above my head, which always evoked a smile or laugh from him)...it was truly a great bonding experience.  Probably 99% of the time, Damon would come home from work, and I would be sitting on the couch watching television as Grant would be sleeping soundly, burrowed into the left side of my chest with his head always on my heart.  It was Granty's signature position.

I've figured out ways to pass the time (workouts, thank you notes (that's a very slow process - sorry!), reading magazines or watching DVR'd shows), but even with all of my personal activity, there's still a sad silence that remains.  I miss my little guy!

My personal fan club....
(This picture was actually taken by Alexa one night when
she was playing around with the camera.  Not too bad!)

Dinner Dilemma

Dinner....the dreaded word.  Unlike my siblings, I did not inherit the cooking or baking gene - - if I were single, I think I would sustain myself on Lean Cuisine and salads, but unfortunately those choices aren't too popular with Alexa.  As a result, I struggle each night with the decision of what to make for dinner.  I no longer solicit Alexa's input; if it were her decision, she would eat macaroni and cheese nightly.  :)  I have tried planning the meals for the week and making the major items on the weekend, but usually when the day arrives, I have no appetite whatsoever for the prepared meals.  Oy.

I've made a resolution to start eating healthier, making more things from scratch and trying new recipes instead of the usual standbys.  In the past few weeks, we've had Rice Krispies-coated chicken,  pork and apples, cornflake-pecan chicken, homemade pizza....  Tonight I was tapping my brain to come up with an easy dinner idea that Alexa would like, and I decided to recreate the fish bowl from Wahoo's that she enjoyed in Denver.  It's a very easy dish (rice, black beans and grilled fish), so I figured it was a good choice for the night.  Alexa was excited when I told her what we were having, and she played the role of my sous chef as I prepared each of the components.  She ate the meal, and even told me I could pack some in her lunch for tomorrow.  Yeah!  I was patting myself on the back for a job well done, but Alexa quickly brought me back down to reality.  After I packed the leftovers in her lunch container, Alexa looked at me and said, "Mommy, your fish bowl was good but the one from Denver was a lot better than yours.  Can you get that one next time?"  lol.....I tried!

Alexa enjoyed Jell-O pudding with her cousin Maren
(and got a little silly with a pudding goatee).
That's one thing I can make very well.....

The Best of Friends

"How do you explain death to a three-year-old?"  This question is one that Damon and I have been grappling with since November, and thankfully we had wonderful resources to guide us through these discussions.  Alexa has far-surpassed our expectations with her understanding of this concept, and she oftentimes says the most poignant and beautiful things.

As we left swimming yesterday with her mylar pink and purple balloons, Alexa loosened the pink one from her wrist, and up into the air it went.  I held my breath, expecting a complete meltdown in the swim school parking lot, but quite the opposite happened.  She said, "My balloon's up in heaven now so Granty can play with it."  Wow - - instead it was my tears, not hers, in the parking lot.

Tonight Jenny (BFF Gabriella's mom) texted me because Gabriella was talking to her and said, "I miss Granty.  He's in heaven, and I can't see him any more."  As soon as I read that, I knew Alexa must have said that to Gabriella today because the statement was verbatim what Alexa's told me numerous times.  As sorry as I was that poor Gabriella has also been exposed to a concept well-beyond her years, it brought a smile to my face to know that Alexa has such a wonderful friendship in her life.  I can picture Alexa talking about her feelings with her BFF, and sweet Gabriella comforting her in a way only a three-year-old can.  These girls really are like sisters.  I hope the rest of their conversations today had a little more levity in their context....

The BFF's with matching giraffe ice cream bowls.
(leftover party supplies - - they both wanted Elmo with the giraffe :)

Time with My Thoughts

The training plan for the St. Louis Half Marathon required an eight-mile run today, so I took advantage of a temporary break in the rainy weather to log an outdoor run.  I plotted my run last night on 'Map My Run' to make sure it satisfied the 8-mile requirement (8.17mi), and I took off this morning (rocking my giraffe headband) ready to go and knock it off the day's "to-do" list.  Compared to the hilly terrain of last weekend, the wet sidewalks of Scottsdale were like a running track - thank goodness :).  With some residual rain and morning fog, it was a very quiet Sunday morning and made for a nice run.

I usually don't wear headphones when I run, so the run is a distraction-free time for myself and my thoughts, and of course, those thoughts always lead to Granty.  I didn't consciously think of it when mapping the run last night, but the route I selected had plenty of reminders of Grant....I ran by the hospital where he was born (and first PICU stay), the site of his first trimester ultrasound, his pediatrician's office, my OB's office where we found out he was a boy...  I guess that's the one (sort of ) downside of having all of our doctors in a small radius.  Nevertheless, it was 70 minutes of time to myself, and Granty was with me the entire time.

Alexa's Swimming Update:  She was not too excited to go to lessons today, but the promise that I would let her puddle jump in the parking lot with her new rainboots did spark her interest a bit.  There was a full-court press from the manager of the swim school, Coach Anthony (on non-pool duty today) and Coach Nick (her Sunday instructor) to make sure it was a tear-free lesson.  She was promised a surprise if she didn't cry, and Coach Anthony and the manager were her personal cheerleaders during the lesson.  Oy - I think she was loving the attention.  Coach Nick pushed her pretty hard today, and there were definitely some "I want my Mommy" moments, but overall it went pretty well.  And on the way out, she was presented with her surprise - - pink and purple mylar balloons.  Next lesson is Thursday with Coach Anthony....

The view from my usual running spot  (the treadmill);
I like the view of this 20x30 poster better than N. Scottsdale;
Granty's way more motivating than passing cars... :)

Dodging the Raindrops

Alexa has no idea of the effect she has upon Damon and myself, especially as it pertains to the last two months.  Like any three-year-old, she has her moments, but she truly is our motivator, cheerleader and joy in our lives right now.  She has an uncanny knack for knowing when we need a little 'pick me up' and always seems to deliver.  Today was no exception....

We woke up to pouring rain this morning, so it looked like today was going to be a dreary day - not exactly what we needed after the tough anniversary yesterday.  I took Alexa to gymnastics, and afterwards we stopped at Target (big shocker) to pick up a few things.  Alexa probably enjoys shopping even more than I do, and she convinced me to take her over to the shoe department.  The last time she convinced me to go to the shoe department, she ended up with a pair of cheetah ballet flats, so I had no idea what to expect today.  As she oohed and ahhed over the sparkly shoes, her eyes landed squarely on a pair of Hello Kitty rainboots.  I knew I wouldn't win that battle, but at least they were on clearance (only $6!).

This was the best purchase I've made in a long time - her excitement over these rainboots was contagious.  As soon as I had paid for the boots, she asked me if she could wear them out of the store, and, given the downpour outside, I gladly complied.  She leaped, bounded and jumped into every puddle she could find on the way to the car.  When we were pulling out of the parking lot, she thanked me (completely unsolicited) for buying her the boots - it was such a sweet moment.

Over the course of the day, Alexa and I spent time outside together jumping in the puddles and playing in the rain.  She was much tougher than I was, as I did have to come inside more often because I was cold, but we had a blast.  It was the 'pick me up' I needed - playing outside in the rain and acting silly with my little girl.  She made this dreary day a great one!

So ladylike to lift her skirt (despite it already
being soaked from the pouring rain).

One happy girl in our flooded front yard :)

The Longest Two Months...

Today marked the two-month anniversary of Granty's death; not a day (or even an hour) has gone by that I don't miss my little boy.  As silly as it sounds, I still hope that I'm going to wake up and find out that this has been just a horrible dream...  Without a doubt, this has been the most challenging period of our lives; there's a feeling of emptiness and a sense of incompleteness that does not dissipate.  Despite these feelings of sadness, I truly feel that Granty's amazing spirit is more evident than ever and motivates each of us in our daily activities.

Granty's life became a turning point in my own life - aside from the philanthropic activities, I consciously make decisions with the intent of making sure Grant would be proud of me.  There is no doubt that I'm a better person because of Grant.  I truly hope I'm providing Alexa with a life and example that she will someday want to emulate, carrying on the powerful lessons of her beloved baby brother for generations to come.

I don't think life post-Granty will ever be easy, but I do know that it will be a life filled with powerful memories and meaningful remembrances of a boy who meant so much to so many people.  I'm excited about the events planned for the months ahead (the 10k in March and half-marathon in April, a black-tie fundraiser for Phoenix Children's Hospital, a virtual birthday party for Grant) and the wonderful causes that will benefit from them.  Quite the legacy for a five-month-old boy....

My Granty...one of the loves of my life.

Heightened Awareness

Since we were in Denver last weekend, I had scheduled a make-up swim class for Alexa this even.   Despite my best efforts to make the class enjoyable - scheduling it with her favorite Coach Anthony, promising her ice cream afterwards, etc… - the lesson did not start out very well.  Against my better judgement, I agreed to walk her out onto the pool deck, and when I turned to walk back to the sitting area, I had a sobbing Alexa chasing after me.  Great….just what I needed after a long day of work.  I literally had to pry her off of me with Anthony pulling her to get her into the pool.  Thankfully, Anthony knows Alexa pretty well, and he’s quite the charmer himself, so he had Alexa giggling and smiling within a few minutes.  Whew!

It perplexes me that this little girl is such a natural and fearless athlete at every sport she’s tried, but for some reason, swimming lessons petrify her.  I’m determined to have her swimming by the summer, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it’s suddenly going to click one day.  The manager of the swim school actually chatted with me after class, and we're going to try adding Thursday night lessons (on the house...a very nice gesture from the school) to see if the frequency of lessons helps.  If this doesn't work, switching to female instructors is next - - can you tell everyone is grasping at straws for answers (lol)?  The next lesson is on Sunday….just three short days away.

On a separate note, while running as a tribute to Granty has become my new thing, Damon created a driving tribute to Granty.  When Grant was going to chemo on Tuesdays, I had seen an advertisements for the ‘Fight Childhood Cancer’ license plates, so it was a no-brainer to get this special cause license plate when Damon renewed his Volvo registration.  

Speaking of fighting childhood cancer, a friend made me aware of this online petition to raise awareness for Pediatric Cancer.  It is unfortunate that it took Granty's diagnosis to make me aware of the all too common nature of this disease.  Only 4,000 more signatures are needed, so please feel free to sign the petition if you’re interested:  https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/light-white-house-gold-month-september-honor-pediatric-cancer-fighters-and-bring-light-cause/syV6M6wX.

Damon's license plate - a very sweet tribute that benefits a great cause.
I have a feeling it could also get him out of a ticket.... :)

Giraffes Everywhere!

I don't know if it's due to a keen sense of awareness or a new trend, but it seems like giraffe products are everywhere.  Nordstrom has a Michael Kors giraffe collection, complete with a giraffe cardigan and pants, Ulta carries a pink giraffe print facial scrubber, Gymboree sold a "Loveable Giraffe" girls' line...the list is endless.  Whenever Alexa and I go into a store, it is an unofficial game to see who can spot the giraffe merchandise first.  I love Alexa's reaction whenever she finds something - - she always gets excited and shouts, "Look....Granty!"  This brings a smile to my face every time.  

Target, one of my favorite stores, seems to be leading in the giraffe merchandise initiative.  This winter the retailer was selling giraffe throws (thanks, Jen Searle, for giving me the head's up on those), and they quickly became my favorite gift to give.  Of course, I had to buy one for myself....and I noticed my sister Julie did the same.  Even Target's Valentine's Day merchandise includes several giraffe-themed items; I don't ever recall giraffes being associated with the holiday before this year.  Granty was pure love, so it's only fitting that his official mascot is associated with Valentine's Day.

The best part is that is really does not matter if the merchandise is good-looking by conventional standards...if it's giraffe-related, it's on the "must-buy" list.  Although the Michael Kors giraffe pants might be a stretch... :)

Giraffes really are everywhere...

A Perfect Balance

Like all of us, Alexa has had her tough moments after Granty's death, but her ability to grasp the concepts of death and, more importantly, remembrance truly amazes me.  Just like Grant taught me some of the most valuable lessons of life, I think Alexa's unknowingly teaching me lessons about dealing with grief and coping with Grant's absence.  At her 'wise old age' of three and a half, Alexa is able to strike a perfect balance of being sad over the loss but at the same time, finding joy in the wonderful memories of her baby brother.

I think one of the most quintessential moments came when we were in St. Louis driving to my friend Molly's house.  Alexa began talking in the back seat, and I asked her who she was talking to.  She told me, "I'm pretending that Granty didn't die, and I'm holding him in my lap."  It took everything I had to keep me from bursting into tears and bawling as we drove down Highway 40.  As sad as I felt that Alexa had to play pretend in order to play with Granty, it was also a very touching moment to know that Alexa thinks about Grant probably as much as Damon and I do.  However, after several minutes of pretending with baby Granty, she suddenly said, "Oh...I just threw him out the window."  Ahh, Alexa - only she could change this tear-jerker moment into something so silly and lighthearted.

Tonight Alexa spotted Grant's giraffe blankie in my purse (it goes everywhere with me), and as soon as she saw it, she looked at me and said, "I really miss my Granty...he was a good baby brother."  Of course, I had to agree with her, and explained that I miss him too and that's why his blankie is in my purse.  Alexa followed up that conversation by telling me that we should always save that blankie for Granty but get another one if I ever have a new baby in my tummy.  :) What a great big sister!

My dynamic duo....

The Tough Questions

It's amazing how some of the simplest questions have become the hardest ones to answer...

Today I swung by Trader Joe's at lunch to grab a salad, and while standing in the refrigerated section, a girl (probably about four years-old) bumped into me with one of the child-sized shopping carts.  Her mother apologized profusely, and I told her, "Don't worry about it - I have my own (meaning Alexa) at home."  She responded, "Thank goodness.  How many kids do you have?"  That simple question tongue-ties me every time it's asked of me.

Argh - the dreaded question.  This is such a delicate situation because the last thing I want to do is give a response that makes both people feel uncomfortable.  Rather than unloading the tragedy of the past few months on this complete stranger, I was able to avoid the question by simply saying, "Oh, I have a three year-old daughter, and she also loves to push the kids' carts." Whew - explanation averted.

I'm sure I will come up with a standard answer in the coming months - - I have to read through the plethora of information provided to us by the Child Life division of Phoenix Children's, as I'm sure this is a common dilemma after the death of a child.  It's just odd to think that I could more easily answer a question about quadratic formulas....

The multi-tasking days of Alexa in the bath & Granty in the swing.

Rejuvenated

January has been a tough month, as the busyness of the holidays and whirlwind of events came to a halt, and the reality of life without Granty was forced upon us.  Damon and I have been adjusting as well as can be expected, but we had definitely hit an emotional rut in the past couple of weeks.  This weekend was exactly what I needed....

As Alexa and I were flying back this afternoon, I sat back in the airline seat and felt completely rejuvenated by the weekend's events.  Not only was it great to visit with my sisters and friend Kathryn, but the run buoyed my spirits in so many ways.  The run itself has challenged me to increase the intensity of my training, but the most important elements were well-beyond the scope of the run.  The numerous texts and e-mails of encouragement were extremely motivating; it was nice to know so many people were cheering us on.  I was also moved by so many of the runners from the Columbines club - - I spoke to so many people who had come to the run specifically because of Granty's story.  Talk about a humbling experience.  One of the runners went out of her way to introduce me to each of the ladies in the club, and each time she introduced me as Terri's sister, but most importantly as "Grant's mom".  To hear that meant so much to me; I will never be able to adequately articulate how proud I am to be Granty's mom.

Speaking of motivating.....Congratulations and thanks to Granty's beloved Nurse Nichole (from our pediatrician's office) - - she ran the P.F. Chang's Rock-N-Roll Half-Marathon this morning in honor of Grant, and she bested her previous half-marathon times.  Yeah!  I'm looking very forward to future runs with Nichole!

I know little Granty's cheering us on.

Each of the runners received a giraffe headband;
I had to make sure everyone had a little reminder of Granty.

Paying It Forward

Today's run was a smashing success -- turnout was estimated at ~50 runners!  I am so glad I made the trip to Colorado for the run.  Not only was it for a great cause, but it was also a good reality check for me to return to my more disciplined running regimen - the six mile course was no joke!  Four of us (+ dog) headed out for the six mile run: Terri, an awesome runner Ellen, my friend Kathryn and her dog Yadi (named after St. Louis Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina).  We headed straight uphill to the bluffs, and as you'd expect from the name, and its steep, hilly trails.  The combination of the hills and altitude led to a couple of quick breaks (we blamed Yadi, but it was definitely us), but the
four of us did knock out the six miles.  I'm sure we will feel the effects tomorrow!

Thank you so much to the ladies of the Colorado Columbines women's running club for their generous donations; today's oatmeal run raised at least $5,000 for the University of Arizona Steele Children's Research Center in Grant's name.  Wow.  I know both Terri and I were humbled and amazed by the fantastic turnout, wonderful personal stories and generosity of the athletes.  I am so grateful to Donna for organizing and hosting the event and also to these ladies, to whom I am a complete stranger, for coming out in force to honor Granty and this wonderful cause.  Activities like this help substantially with the grieving process; it's a good feeling to pay it forward and know that Granty's life made a difference in so many people's lives. 

I saw a comment about donations - - sorry for not posting the info sooner (I don't want anyone to feel obligated!).  The donations for today's event were done informally (predominantly cash), but donations can be made online at https://www2.uafoundation.org/netcommunity/sslpage.aspx?pid=345 (Pediatric Cancers, mention "In Memory of Grant Hovannisian" in the Comments section).  Also, there will be another opportunity in February/March, as I'm running in the "Run to Fight Cancer" in the Phoenix area, and the proceeds go directly to Phoenix Children's Hospital and the Children's Cancer Network.  I'm creating team "Granty's Giraffes" and donations can be made online (http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/GrantysGiraffes/run-to-fight-childrens-cancer).  I will have more detail on that run in the coming weeks.  

Donna, Terri and I with the donations - - AWESOME!

With my friend Kathryn.

A Great Cause

Alexa and I made the flight to Denver this afternoon; it's amazing how easy travel has become with her...and the iPad.  I remember flying to Denver from New Jersey for her cousin Xavier's birthday two years ago,and it was the flight from hell.  Alexa was just 18-months at the time, and I think it was the longest four hours of my life.  I think a toddler having a meltdown on the airplane is one of the most stressful situations, and I'm happy those days seem to be behind us (for now).

I'm very excited for the run tomorrow - - Terri's said it sounds like a great turnout is expected.  One of my friends from high school lives in the Denver area, and she'll be coming to the run too; it will be a great time.  The event is much more of social, fun run instead of a hard-core race as I initially thought, so that helps to take off a lot of worry about my training regimen.  We've opted for the six mile run; it will be hilly and obviously at a high altitude, but I'm confident it will be a good run.  A couple of weeks ago, I found some cute athletic headbands online, and sure enough, they were available in giraffe prints.  Granty will be with me tomorrow....   I'm just glad the temperatures have warmed up in Denver this weekend; I was getting nervous last week when I saw the Broncos game temperature was in the single digits.

The money raised tomorrow will be going to a great cause - University of Arizona Steele Children’s Research Center, which has an Oncology research team.  In order for company-match to be applicable, there were pretty strict guidelines for an educational institution, so my sister Terri did a lot of legwork to find this great cause.  Terri, who has a PhD in Genetics, asked a lot of questions and found that monies will likely go to a project that's investigating an anti-cancer vaccine (http://www.steelecenter.arizona.edu/areas/hemonc.asp).  Wow....wouldn't that be an amazing breakthrough!

"Bride" Alexa in her giraffe wedding dress...G's with all of us!

"Too Late!"

One of the best parts about living in Arizona is obviously the weather (Sep - May), but the events in the area - - MLB Spring Training, Fiesta Bowl, Barrett Jackson - - are also a great draw. We don't necessarily attend all the events, but we do love having the visitors who come into town for them.

Barrett Jackson, the collectible car show and auction, is happening right now, so we're lucky to have Damon's dad, cousins and "pseudo-cousins" in the area this week. Papa Hovey surprised Alexa by accompanying Damon to pick her up from school yesterday, and needless to say, she was geeked to have her grandfather in town. We planned to meet at Wildfish for dinner tonight, and Alexa must have asked me 100-times when we were leaving to go to "Daddy's restaurant." Thankfully I had recorded an episode of "Super Why" (thank you Emily & Joe), so that did help to pass the time a little bit this evening.

Although the food is phenomenal, I rarely take Alexa to Wildfish when Damon's working. It's way too hard to try to keep Alexa in her seat; if it were up to her, she'd be shadowing Damon as he makes his way around the restaurant. Thanks to Vernon and his crew, I had a lot of help keeping Alexa entertained tonight, and it was great to visit with everyone.

Alexa was up to her normal antics, entertaining everyone with her larger than life personality and sass. She ordered chicken fingers and French fries (shudder) for dinner tonight, and Damon's cousin David was snagging a few fries from the heaping mound on her plate. This became a fun game for Alexa, as she began to tease David by swinging the French fries in his direction before she popped them into her mouth. At one point, David asked her if he could have one of the fries that she had just dipped in ketchup. She quickly popped it in her mouth, looked at him and said, "Too Late!" in a sassy tone. Oy - Damon and I are in trouble!

Since most of the guys have known Damon since he was young, I tried to attribute Alexa's orneriness as being "All Damon", but I think I've been part of this family way too long to get a free pass any longer. They simply acknowledged that Alexa was ornery but said they couldn't say it was all Damon. LOL - - they know me all too well after 12+ years. :)

Alexa and Papa Hovey....this little girl loves her Papas.

Our "Other" Family

I received an e-mail last week from our Clinical Social Worker, Gina, and I was so excited to see a note from her.  Gina had been assigned to us when Grant was first diagnosed, and she was a central member of Granty's Neuro-Oncology team that included Dr. Etzl and nurse Annie.  This team quickly became like a second family to us, getting to know our family on a personal level.  This same could be said for all of the medical team at PCH - - there was not a doctor nor nurse who didn't know our names or that Granty had a big sister named Alexa.

It was amazing how quickly Grant's medical teams (Oncology, PICU and Pediatrician) became like a second  family to us.  We were joined together by one central focus, Granty and his health, and Grant's vibrant personality endeared him personally to everyone.  I looked forward (sort of) to his appointments because I enjoyed the interaction, support and upbeat attitudes everyone displayed.  It truly was like a second (extremely well-educated) family for us.

There is a moment that will always be in my heart and is a testament to the quality of care that Granty received.  In the days after we'd been given the heart-breaking news that there was nothing medically that could be done to cure Grant, Dr. Etzl and Gina came to Granty's PICU room to visit with us and see Grant one last time....there was no medical reason for their visit; it was entirely because they cared.  As the four of us sat by Grant in the hospital room, Dr. Etzl reached over to stroke the back of Granty's head said, "I really loved this boy."  That moment was heart-warming for me at such a time of sadness; Granty was surrounded by love.

Damon and I were talking last week about how we feed an odd sense of loss for this second family.  We miss seeing his doctors and nurses on a regular basis, as they had quickly become so intertwined in our daily lives.  I think Damon and I will be going back to PCH in a couple of weeks to visit and thank some of his special PICU nurses and also visit with the Oncology team.  And I'm really looking forward to Alexa's 4-year checkup in March to see our beloved Pediatrician and Nurse....she may not be as excited if there's an immunization :)

I caught Granty mid-laugh/smile when I took this picture;
I started cracking up when I saw this photo.

Not Quite Hooked on Phonics....

At Alexa's parent-teacher conference this fall, her teacher told me that Alexa usually gravitates to the practical life lessons and isn't too interested in numbers or letters.  Although the Montessori method encourages self-directed learning and she is only threee, Damon and I are still trying to give Alexa a little nudge in the right direction.  Even Santa was in on the act this year, with Granty the Elf buying her an alphabet book for our flight to St. Louis and giving her a Phonics book for Christmas.  Needless to say, those gifts didn't seem to be at the top of her favorites list.

Sometimes it seems as if Alexa's egging us along, pretending not to know the answer, simply to elicit a reaction.  Talk about frustrating   I've never recognized patience as being one of my best traits, so these informal lessons have been a good exercise for me as well.  I'm becoming quite the expert at creating a list of words that begin with the same letter, hoping Alexa will be able to identify the letter with the sound.  I think she's batting about 0.300, but we'll just keep practicing.

Damon started "Breakfast Phonics" this morning to try to engage Alexa in a routine of learning before school.  I had to smile when he told me about his plan last night, because it represents a complete turning of the tables.  Damon's mom, Carol, has always told stories of how Damon would try to do anything but his school work, leaving her to plead, "Damon...Focus!"  Payback has come 30-years later as Damon's pleading with Alexa to do the same.  I can only imagine the smile on Carol's face when she hears of "Breakfast Phonics." :)

T-R-O-U-B-L-E. :)

Change of Pace

The past few months have been a complete blur and a whirlwind of activities, so it's been a bit of adjustment to have our lives slow down after the New Year.  After becoming accustomed to juggling the two kiddos, work, doctor's appointments, lessons, etc., my days has taken on a very different feel and pace without Granty; I've had to recalibrate my entire routine.  I miss the non-stop activity....

The change hasn't been all bad; my workout routine has definitely benefited from having fewer items on the daily agenda.  The daily runs that waned in priority after Grant's diagnosis are now part of my nighttime routine.  I do a lot of thinking on these runs, always involving Granty in some capacity, and look forward to this uninterrupted time for myself.  I have to admit, I am a more dedicated athlete than ever before...if I start to get tired or bored before I reach my mileage goal for the day, I just think about Granty and the perseverance that my little boy demonstrated.  He's quite the motivation - - I've achieved my goal each time.

Aside from the fitness element, running is providing the dual benefit as a mechanism to raise money for the fight against cancer and Phoenix Children's Hospital.  I have the run in Denver this weekend, a run in Phoenix in March, and the St. Louis Half-Marathon in April.  Whew!  It's much easier to get geared up for these runs when there is a charitable element, especially ones so dear to my heart, associated with the event.  Stay tuned to the blog for details, updates, and of course, photos. :)

I love Granty's expression in this picture.
Such a sweet little boy.....

Back in the Pool

Today was Alexa's first swim lesson in nearly four weeks, so I was very anxious to see how she would do. As you may recall, the recent lessons have been utter disasters with Alexa crying for the complete duration of the 30 minute class. In any other circumstance, I might have given her a break from lessons, but when there's a pool in the backyard we don't have the luxury of deferring lessons - knowing how to swim is a "must."

Damon and I tried every possible bribe this morning to try to entice Alexa to enjoy her lesson and make it though the class without crying. She had a lot hinging on today's lesson - watching tv, two Disney princess dolls, a trip to the library....not our best parenting, but it was worth a shot. On the way there, I told Alexa about my swim lessons at the YMCA when I was young in a last-ditch effort to help her understand the importance of the lessons.

She walked into the pool area without me having to literally peel her off my leg, so I knew we were off to a better start than four weeks ago. She was the only swimmer in her class today, so Coach Nick wasted no time submerging her under the water and getting her face and hair wet. So far so good. He was definitely pushing her more than he ever had before, a very welcome change in my book, but within two minutes, the tears and sobs began. Argh. However, I don't know if it was my disapproving glance, the promises of the bribes or perhaps the power of the pink giraffe swimsuit, but Alexa continued to do everything Coach Nick asked her to do - even with the tears rolling down her face.

I don't think I've ever been more proud...she showed the "Niehoff toughness" that I value so much. After about five minutes of tears, she stopped crying and actually seemed to enjoy herself; I even saw a smile. Coach Nick, I swear he has the patience of a saint, was swimming the length of the pool with her, teaching her the proper strokes and pushing her well-beyond her normal comfort zone. This was one of her best lessons in a VERY long time! When I met her at the end of her lesson, she was beaming with pride; she exclaimed, "I was crying but I stopped myself and just started swimming. I swam the whole pool!"

And she did get to watch 30 minutes of tv before our trip to the library...but no Princess dolls. Maybe next week ;)

Not a happy swimmer - - but doing everything she was asked.

Tears are gone....YEAH!

Little Miss Jumbotron

One of the odd realities since Granty's death is realizing that Alexa's an only child again.  I no longer have to seek activities that accommodate an infant and a three-year-old, so the range of things to do on the weekends has become more expansive.  Today I planned an activity that would be of interest to both Alexa and myself....

Alexa and I headed over to Arizona State University this afternoon to attend a women's gymnastics meet between ASU and Oklahoma (#4 team in nation).  It was a great couple of hours spent with my little girl watching gymnastics - a good girls' day out.  The meet had a fun "college-feel" to it, complete with be-dazzled leotards, the band, cheerleaders and school mascot, who Alexa was watching like a hawk to make sure he didn't approach her (she's petrified of costumed characters - - he waved at her, and she burrowed her head into me).  Aside from the costumed Sun Devil, Alexa enjoyed every aspect of it; she told me the uneven bars were her favorite event.  Although I think Alexa's favorite part of the day happened at the end of the meet when they played "The Chicken Dance" over the PA; she busted into dance immediately (and attracted a lot of smiles from people sitting near us).

Alexa must have caught the eye of the camera man because she was a frequent face on the arena's Jumbotron; she absolutely loved seeing herself on the big screen.  She is quite the performer - grinning from ear-to-ear, dancing and engaging in the crowd activites whenever she was on camera.  Don't let the blonde hair fool you...this girl is Damon's daughter. lol

Even the distraction of a gymnastics meet didn't keep Grant too far from our minds.  Mid-meet, Alexa leaned over to me and said, "I miss Granty, Mommy, and I want you to get another baby in your tummy."  :)

Our little gymnast (and performer).

Quite the poser too....Damon and  I are in trouble. :)

"Home"

Since returning to Arizona after the holiday in St. Louis, I think the reality of Granty's absence has been setting in for both Damon and myself.  We don't have the bustle of the holidays to keep us busy or partially distract our minds....it's a harsh reality to accept.  I don't think I ever go more than a few minutes without thinking of Grant - he truly is always on my mind.

My commute, about 25 minutes each way, is usually filled with thoughts of Grant and rehashing in my mind everything that happened in those two months after September 27th (the initial MRI that showed a brain tumor).  I've started to wear waterproof eye makeup because I usually cry for at least 15 minutes of the drive...  There's a song, "Home" by Phil Phillips, that always seems to be on the radio.  I clearly remember leaving the hospital for the first time after that fateful MRI, driving home for a brief shower and change of clothes, and "Home" was on the radio as I pulled out of the parking garage.  I had never listened to the words before, but the lyrics resonated with me as I headed North on the 51 that day.  It was like the song was tailored to a mother whose son was just diagnosed with brain cancer.... 

"Home" - by Phillip Phillips
Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

He's home now....we'll be together again someday.
My angel Grant.

Barbie and Grant

Ever since Alexa was old enough to name dolls and stuffed animals, she has usually defaulted to naming everything "Mommy."  It's extremely flattering to know that I practically have a zoo of stuffed animals as my namesake - - stuffed bunnies, elephants, a lobster, roller skating lamb, etc...  However, it appears the Mommy tradition has been starting to wear off - - Porkchop the doll is the perfect example of that.

I have no problem bestowing the namesake crown to someone else, especially because Alexa has begun to use Granty's name as the new favorite.  There's no question that in our vast collection of stuffed giraffes each is named Grant (or Granty - - depending on her mood).  There is one Charlie in the mix (maybe Charlie Kelly, my friend Molly's son?), but 90%+ are named after our little boy.  Very cute.

Tonight, Alexa was playing with some of the Barbie dolls that Santa gave her for Christmas.  When I was shopping for the dolls to accompany the Barbie Glam pool, it was tough to decide which ones to buy; there is a Barbie for everything!  Anyway, I opted to get exactly the dolls shown on the Glam Pool box - a blonde Barbie, a brown-haired girlfriend and, of course, Ken.  Interesting ratio...Ken and two girls, go figure.  Anyway, tonight when Alexa was playing with her (naked) Ken doll, she told me his name was Grant.  I think I like the cute stuffed giraffe namesakes better than a naked Ken with his naked Barbie girlfriends, but I guess it's the thought that counts...

Alexa and her Barbie pool party - that's "Grant"
laying on the towel.  He's quite the ladies' man.
(I took this photo last week before I knew Ken was named after G).

Man's Best Friend

One family member who hasn't received too much mention in the blog has been Alstott, our beloved puggle (half pug, half beagle).  Alstott, who's named after a former Purdue football player, was hand-selected by Damon shortly after we were married.  This "little dog" that we expected to max out at 15 pounds is now over 30 pounds, but is one of the most loveable dogs you can imagine.  Everyone who meets Alstott always remembers him...he has quite the personality to say the least.

Alstott has been a remarkable dog - - I will never forget how nervous everyone was when Alexa was born.  Alsott had been like an only child for four years, so we were not expecting the warmest reception  to a new baby in the house.  The dog surprised everyone, and he has always been good with Alexa, even when she hasn't exactly been gentle with him.  Alexa's first word was "Alstott" - I remember I had to explain to her Montessori teachers in NJ that Alstott was indeed a legitimate word and the name of her dog, as they initially had no idea what she meant when she said his name.

Alstott's good behavior continued with Granty, and I think Grant was just as enamored with Alstott as Alexa was when she was a baby.  Grant loved to reach for and pet Alstott (maybe that's how Granty grew to love minky fabrics...) and would watch him intently whenever the dog was nearby.  Alstott was extremely protective of Granty, as when our friend was over with his dog, Alstott made sure the other dog came nowhere near Grant.

I think Alstott senses Grant's loss or at least senses the sadness that Damon and I feel.  Ever since Granty passed away, Alstott has been more cuddly with me than ever, and he's never far from my side when I'm home.  If he sees me crying at night, he's always quick to jump in my lap and offer some comfort.  Tonight he was laying by the door of Grant's room for no particular reason; this is not his usual spot - Alstott much prefers a soft bed or couch to the travertine floors.  I even opened the door to G's room to see if Alstott wanted something in there, but he remained firmly planted in the doorway.  Maybe he too just needed some time to think about Granty.....

The Hovannisian "boys"

Watching Granty closely - probably hoping for some food.

Tuesdays with Granty

As usual, I spent a lot time today thinking about Granty, but Tuesdays in particular always bring back a lot of memories of him.  During Granty's treatment, Tuesday was always chemo day.  It was a day of mixed emotion - worry, fear, angst about the chemo this little boy had to endure - but in some ways, Tuesday was the highlight of my week.  Tuesday was a day dedicated entirely to my little boy - no work, no Blackberry, no distractions...just time with Grant.  

As soon as we would enter the outpatient treatment center, I would take Grant out of his car seat, knowing that I would be holding him for at least the next three hours or so.  He was always Mr. Charming in the waiting room, and he had developed quite the following of fans who were also there every Tuesday for treatment.  After vitals, a broviac dressing change and the weekly exam from his Oncologist, he was usually pretty tired, so he would nap during the infusion process.  I loved to holding him during the 1.5 hour infusion - he would typically hold his giraffe blankie in one hand and my finger in the other.  I would spend a lot of the time staring at him while he slept, taking in his beautiful features (those amazing eyelashes and lips) or smelling the "baby scent" that I grew to love so much.  Pure bliss.

As with most things in his life, Granty had an amazing ability to make something that would typically seem unpleasant, in this instance chemotherapy, and make it a wonderful.  He was truly a remarkable little boy.

Granty at Chemo w/his stuffed "Chemo Bearapy"

All In A Name

When we were in St. Louis celebrating Christmas, somehow the meaning of names had become a topic of discussion.  My six-year old niece was devastated to discover her name Mara meant "bitter", and I started to worry what Alexa and Grant might mean, as Damon and I had never considered that when selecting names for our kiddos.  

I had to laugh when I looked up the meaning of Alexa - "protector of men."  It's quite an appropriate association for Alexa, as she is a tough little girl and has always been fiercely protective of her Daddy (i.e. calling me out for trying to use "Daddy's mixer" in the kitchen) and baby brother.  I'll always remember when I would pick Alexa up from school, carrying Grant in his infant car seat, and Alexa would watch the other children like a hawk as they came over to see "her baby."  She was always proud to introduce him and would remind the kids to wash their hands or sanitize before they touched Granty.  Alexa was quite the protective big sister of Granty; I'm glad to know that he's watching over her now :)

I don't think Damon or I could have picked a better name for Grant - his name simply means "great."  I can think of a million adjectives to describe my beloved baby boy, but I think "great" sums it up pretty well.

Alexa with her favorite "protectee."

Loving every minute of one of their last visits together.
(Yes, I'm bawling as I upload this photo....)

Merry (Armenian) Christmas!

Today we attended our first service together at St. Apkar's Armenian Church in Scottsdale.  When we met with the priest on Friday, he had mentioned that people usually come to the 10am service on "Armenian time" - - a nice way of saying fashionably late.  I thought we met that description when we arrived at 10:15am, but I was way off the mark, as the church continued to fill up all the way until noon.  The service lasted two and a half hours (and I used to think Catholic Midnight Mass was long), but I think Damon and I left the church with a new appreciation (and definition) for Armenian time.

Alexa was very eager to go to church to "celebrate" Granty - she had even told Ms. Jenny about it on our drive home from the skating rink last night.  As we were walking through the parking lot towards the church, Alexa asked if there would be giraffes inside since we were there to celebrate Granty.  Aww....that made my day.  She was a tad disappointed that no giraffes would be in the church, but the disappointment waned quickly, as she was very excited to light a candle in remembrance of Granty.  Although, in the theme of seeing giraffes everywhere these days, I did spot a woman carrying a Kate Spade giraffe-printed handbag.  Grant is quite omnipresent!

Grant also celebrated Armenian Christmas today thanks to my sister-in-law Gia and her son (& Grant's cousin Luke).  When Gia had asked Luke what he wanted to bring for Granty, he had initially responded, "Eggs."  Interesting choice :)  It looks like Auntie Gia must have convinced him otherwise, as Luke brought some adorable 'I Love You' balloons to his cousin today.  It's so nice to know that Granty's in good hands and getting lots of visitors....

Cousin Luke visiting Granty today.

Merry Armenian Christmas, Granty!  We love you!!!

Figure Skaters In-Training

Alexa and her BFF Gabriella had not seen each other in nearly three-weeks, so tonight Alexa and I had a much-needed Girls' Night with Gabriella and her mom Jenny, as we headed out to an early dinner followed by "Christmas at the Princess", a winter festival at one of the five-star resorts in Scottsdale.  I had discovered the event through the Phoenix Children's Hospital (some proceeds benefit the hospital), and it had everything Alexa's been begging to do - - Christmas lights galore, a train ride around the grounds to see the lights, and, most importantly, an ice skating rink. 

Ever since I was pregnant with Granty, Alexa has been asking me to take her ice skating, so tonight was a much anticipated first-time skating session.  She's been practicing her glides, twirls and jumps for over a week, so I was very curious to see how well she would cope with the reality of ice skating.  Surprisingly, Alexa did a great job skating and caught on very quickly - - she was scooting (we're still working on the fluid, gliding motion) around the rink without any assistance or hanging onto the wall.  I was pretty impressed!  She even managed to practice some of the twirls and one-legged moves by hanging onto the wall.  Something tells me it won't be too long before she's asking to go skating again.

The train ride didn't disappoint either, although Alexa was quick to point out that we were not riding on tracks - - the train was essentially a golf cart.  This is Arizona, afterall.  Christmas music was playing through the train's speakers, and it was so cute to hear the girls belt out the words to "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" as we rode by the light displays.  Jenny and I had a great time catching up on our holidays and watching the two girls play - they truly are like sisters.  It was really the perfect night of fun and friendship to cap off a pretty difficult week.  I hope this will become an annual tradition for our families. :)

All aboard the train!

The two skating buddies - ready to skate for the first time.

Getting the hang of balancing on the ice.

She's a natural... :)

Forty Days

This has been a tough week....

Today marked the fortieth day after Grant's death, a date that has significance in the Armenian Apostolic Church.  Typically a Requiem Service is offered for the repose of his soul, and the forty-day mark also ends the 'official' mourning period.  While we did not have an official service for Granty today, Damon and I did spend part of the morning at St. Apkar Armenian Church in Scottsdale where we met with the priest, lit a candle and said a prayer together for Granty.  Papa Hovey also paid a visit to Granty's grave and lit a candle there too.  Our little angel.....

As tough as this week has been, I feel like we are starting off 2013 on a positive note and setting the tone for a good year.  Our family will become active at St. Apkar, beginning with attending mass together on Sunday morning (coincidentally Armenian Christmas) and planting a tree in Granty's memory there.  The priest was talking to us today about the activities for the children at the church - Sunday school, Armenian dancing, etc...I have to smile when I picture our little blonde Alexa doing these things.  I also had lunch today with one of Granty's nurses with whom I have developed a friendship; she's an amazing nurse and a wonderfully upbeat and positive person.  Despite the tough milestones this week, it truly has been a good week, and I'm confident that great things will happen for us in 2013. 

Our angel - - at rest for 40 days.

Alexa saw this picture today and immediately said, "My Granty!"

Happy Seven-Month Birthday!

Today marks what would have been Granty's seven-month birthday; I wish more than anything that he were here to celebrate with us.  Damon and I were talking (and crying, of course) last night about what milestones and behaviors Granty would be doing right now....sitting, eating solid foods, teething, crawling.  Oh, what we wouldn't give to see him do all of those things!  During Alexa's infancy, the ages of seven to ten-months were my absolute favorite - - there's a playfulness and enthusiasm at this age without the full mobility nor desire for independence (in other words, a mother's dream).  I vividly remember taking Alexa to the playground and pushing her in the swings for the first time when she was just seven months old.  She was laughing and hamming it up for the camera.  I can only imagine how vivacious Granty's personality would  be right now; I have a feeling he would be giving his show-off sister a run for her money. 

I still find it hard to fathom that Granty won't be celebrating any more birthdays - I never in a million years expected he would not make it to his six-month birthday.  No pictures of smashed cake on his face...no gathering around him while he blows out the candles on his cake...not spending countless hours planning the perfect party (my favorite part)...  It doesn't seem right or fair, but we have to have faith and know that things do happen for a reason - no matter how wrong it seems.  These milestone days just make his absence harder to bear - - Granty is so loved and so sorely missed. :(

Granty on his five-month birthday....
how I miss that effervescent smile.

Sleepless Nights

The Child Life department of Phoenix Children's had provided us with a wealth of information pertaining to the grieving process, especially focusing on Alexa's age group - the tough 3-5 year range. All of the resources cited separation anxiety and increased clinginess as behaviors that we would likely see, and, sure enough, we are definitely noticing these changes in Alexa.  Leaving Alexa with a baby sitter (even NeNe and Papa Niehoff) is quite the ordeal - even when I went running with my friend Molly, I left behind a sobbing Alexa - but bedtime has been the toughest of all.  This girl does not want to sleep by herself.

Ever since Granty was in the hospital, we have become pretty lax on the "no sleeping with Dad and Mom" rule, and we allowed Alexa to climb in our bed or would lay with her in her (way too comfortable) queen-size bed.  Big mistake - we lost a lot of sleep on account of our little girl.  Alexa is one rough sleeper - talking, kicking, tossing & turning, etc....  For our own sake (& to finally get some sleep), Damon and I have been going through the process of "Ferber-izing" her and forcing her to sleep by herself.  It's been a tough process, but we talk about why she is afraid and remind her that nothing will happen to her when she's laying by herself.  We also have one other secret weapon - - good old-fashioned bribery.

I had forgotten to pack one of Alexa's gifts when we went to St. Louis - the Ultimate Disney Princess Collection - which consists of seven Barbie-like dolls representing each of the Disney Princesses.  Damon and I have decided to split up the pack and use the dolls for some bribery tactics, rewarding Alexa for good behaviors by giving her one of the dolls.  Thankfully this was a surprise gift and not something she had requested from Santa, so she has no idea that we have this stash of dolls in our arsenal.  Probably not the best parenting technique, but it has gotten us two nights of sleep without Alexa in our bed and a promise that there will be no more tears at swim lessons (I'll believe that one when I see it)......

As a family we have a long road ahead, but it is a much more manageable road when we're getting some sleep.

When bedtime was easier...Alexa, Granty & Alstott ready for bed!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!

I am normally not one for making New Year's resolutions, but I have decided to make a resolution - not just for 2013, but rather for the rest of my life - that I will do at least one thing each month to honor my Granty's legacy.  Whether it be volunteering, making a donation, visiting the hospital, etc... I want to make sure I make a concerted effort to celebrate his life and to perpetuate the lessons he taught me.  This should be a pretty easy resolution to keep.... :)

The opportunity for January has already presented itself to me, thanks to my sister Terri.  Her former running club in Denver hosts a charity run each year, and this year the club has decided to donate all proceeds (+ additional company-match donations) to Phoenix Children's Hospital in Grant's name.  How cool is that!  I haven't been running as much as I normally do (a few other things were a bit more important...), but I can definitely run a 5k in honor of my little boy.  I will make sure to post the details of the run as soon as I have them, but I plan to make the trip to Denver for the run and also to thank Terri's friends for this incredible tribute.  Now my challenge will be to find some giraffe-themed running apparel.....

I wish everyone a happy and healthy 2013!  Remember to make the most of every opportunity and moment; life is way too short to sweat the small stuff.

I'll be doing my best to live up to the legacy of the real Superman.
(And I'll try to run faster than a speeding bullet...lol)