Deafening Silence

There's a period of time after Alexa goes to sleep and before Damon gets home from work that always brings about a pang of sadness.  The house gets so quiet and makes Granty's absence so much more palpable.....when I had the two kiddos, I would always hope for a moment of peace and quiet each night, and now I would do anything to get the cacophony back.

Grant, Alexa and I had a well-defined nightly routine - Granty and I would put Alexa to bed, and then I would carry him out into the family room for some quality one-on-one time before he fell asleep.  We'd practice sitting, read books, I'd use him as a human weight to do my ab workouts (I'd hold him in the Superman position above my head, which always evoked a smile or laugh from him)...it was truly a great bonding experience.  Probably 99% of the time, Damon would come home from work, and I would be sitting on the couch watching television as Grant would be sleeping soundly, burrowed into the left side of my chest with his head always on my heart.  It was Granty's signature position.

I've figured out ways to pass the time (workouts, thank you notes (that's a very slow process - sorry!), reading magazines or watching DVR'd shows), but even with all of my personal activity, there's still a sad silence that remains.  I miss my little guy!

My personal fan club....
(This picture was actually taken by Alexa one night when
she was playing around with the camera.  Not too bad!)

Dinner Dilemma

Dinner....the dreaded word.  Unlike my siblings, I did not inherit the cooking or baking gene - - if I were single, I think I would sustain myself on Lean Cuisine and salads, but unfortunately those choices aren't too popular with Alexa.  As a result, I struggle each night with the decision of what to make for dinner.  I no longer solicit Alexa's input; if it were her decision, she would eat macaroni and cheese nightly.  :)  I have tried planning the meals for the week and making the major items on the weekend, but usually when the day arrives, I have no appetite whatsoever for the prepared meals.  Oy.

I've made a resolution to start eating healthier, making more things from scratch and trying new recipes instead of the usual standbys.  In the past few weeks, we've had Rice Krispies-coated chicken,  pork and apples, cornflake-pecan chicken, homemade pizza....  Tonight I was tapping my brain to come up with an easy dinner idea that Alexa would like, and I decided to recreate the fish bowl from Wahoo's that she enjoyed in Denver.  It's a very easy dish (rice, black beans and grilled fish), so I figured it was a good choice for the night.  Alexa was excited when I told her what we were having, and she played the role of my sous chef as I prepared each of the components.  She ate the meal, and even told me I could pack some in her lunch for tomorrow.  Yeah!  I was patting myself on the back for a job well done, but Alexa quickly brought me back down to reality.  After I packed the leftovers in her lunch container, Alexa looked at me and said, "Mommy, your fish bowl was good but the one from Denver was a lot better than yours.  Can you get that one next time?"  lol.....I tried!

Alexa enjoyed Jell-O pudding with her cousin Maren
(and got a little silly with a pudding goatee).
That's one thing I can make very well.....

The Best of Friends

"How do you explain death to a three-year-old?"  This question is one that Damon and I have been grappling with since November, and thankfully we had wonderful resources to guide us through these discussions.  Alexa has far-surpassed our expectations with her understanding of this concept, and she oftentimes says the most poignant and beautiful things.

As we left swimming yesterday with her mylar pink and purple balloons, Alexa loosened the pink one from her wrist, and up into the air it went.  I held my breath, expecting a complete meltdown in the swim school parking lot, but quite the opposite happened.  She said, "My balloon's up in heaven now so Granty can play with it."  Wow - - instead it was my tears, not hers, in the parking lot.

Tonight Jenny (BFF Gabriella's mom) texted me because Gabriella was talking to her and said, "I miss Granty.  He's in heaven, and I can't see him any more."  As soon as I read that, I knew Alexa must have said that to Gabriella today because the statement was verbatim what Alexa's told me numerous times.  As sorry as I was that poor Gabriella has also been exposed to a concept well-beyond her years, it brought a smile to my face to know that Alexa has such a wonderful friendship in her life.  I can picture Alexa talking about her feelings with her BFF, and sweet Gabriella comforting her in a way only a three-year-old can.  These girls really are like sisters.  I hope the rest of their conversations today had a little more levity in their context....

The BFF's with matching giraffe ice cream bowls.
(leftover party supplies - - they both wanted Elmo with the giraffe :)

Time with My Thoughts

The training plan for the St. Louis Half Marathon required an eight-mile run today, so I took advantage of a temporary break in the rainy weather to log an outdoor run.  I plotted my run last night on 'Map My Run' to make sure it satisfied the 8-mile requirement (8.17mi), and I took off this morning (rocking my giraffe headband) ready to go and knock it off the day's "to-do" list.  Compared to the hilly terrain of last weekend, the wet sidewalks of Scottsdale were like a running track - thank goodness :).  With some residual rain and morning fog, it was a very quiet Sunday morning and made for a nice run.

I usually don't wear headphones when I run, so the run is a distraction-free time for myself and my thoughts, and of course, those thoughts always lead to Granty.  I didn't consciously think of it when mapping the run last night, but the route I selected had plenty of reminders of Grant....I ran by the hospital where he was born (and first PICU stay), the site of his first trimester ultrasound, his pediatrician's office, my OB's office where we found out he was a boy...  I guess that's the one (sort of ) downside of having all of our doctors in a small radius.  Nevertheless, it was 70 minutes of time to myself, and Granty was with me the entire time.

Alexa's Swimming Update:  She was not too excited to go to lessons today, but the promise that I would let her puddle jump in the parking lot with her new rainboots did spark her interest a bit.  There was a full-court press from the manager of the swim school, Coach Anthony (on non-pool duty today) and Coach Nick (her Sunday instructor) to make sure it was a tear-free lesson.  She was promised a surprise if she didn't cry, and Coach Anthony and the manager were her personal cheerleaders during the lesson.  Oy - I think she was loving the attention.  Coach Nick pushed her pretty hard today, and there were definitely some "I want my Mommy" moments, but overall it went pretty well.  And on the way out, she was presented with her surprise - - pink and purple mylar balloons.  Next lesson is Thursday with Coach Anthony....

The view from my usual running spot  (the treadmill);
I like the view of this 20x30 poster better than N. Scottsdale;
Granty's way more motivating than passing cars... :)

Dodging the Raindrops

Alexa has no idea of the effect she has upon Damon and myself, especially as it pertains to the last two months.  Like any three-year-old, she has her moments, but she truly is our motivator, cheerleader and joy in our lives right now.  She has an uncanny knack for knowing when we need a little 'pick me up' and always seems to deliver.  Today was no exception....

We woke up to pouring rain this morning, so it looked like today was going to be a dreary day - not exactly what we needed after the tough anniversary yesterday.  I took Alexa to gymnastics, and afterwards we stopped at Target (big shocker) to pick up a few things.  Alexa probably enjoys shopping even more than I do, and she convinced me to take her over to the shoe department.  The last time she convinced me to go to the shoe department, she ended up with a pair of cheetah ballet flats, so I had no idea what to expect today.  As she oohed and ahhed over the sparkly shoes, her eyes landed squarely on a pair of Hello Kitty rainboots.  I knew I wouldn't win that battle, but at least they were on clearance (only $6!).

This was the best purchase I've made in a long time - her excitement over these rainboots was contagious.  As soon as I had paid for the boots, she asked me if she could wear them out of the store, and, given the downpour outside, I gladly complied.  She leaped, bounded and jumped into every puddle she could find on the way to the car.  When we were pulling out of the parking lot, she thanked me (completely unsolicited) for buying her the boots - it was such a sweet moment.

Over the course of the day, Alexa and I spent time outside together jumping in the puddles and playing in the rain.  She was much tougher than I was, as I did have to come inside more often because I was cold, but we had a blast.  It was the 'pick me up' I needed - playing outside in the rain and acting silly with my little girl.  She made this dreary day a great one!

So ladylike to lift her skirt (despite it already
being soaked from the pouring rain).

One happy girl in our flooded front yard :)

The Longest Two Months...

Today marked the two-month anniversary of Granty's death; not a day (or even an hour) has gone by that I don't miss my little boy.  As silly as it sounds, I still hope that I'm going to wake up and find out that this has been just a horrible dream...  Without a doubt, this has been the most challenging period of our lives; there's a feeling of emptiness and a sense of incompleteness that does not dissipate.  Despite these feelings of sadness, I truly feel that Granty's amazing spirit is more evident than ever and motivates each of us in our daily activities.

Granty's life became a turning point in my own life - aside from the philanthropic activities, I consciously make decisions with the intent of making sure Grant would be proud of me.  There is no doubt that I'm a better person because of Grant.  I truly hope I'm providing Alexa with a life and example that she will someday want to emulate, carrying on the powerful lessons of her beloved baby brother for generations to come.

I don't think life post-Granty will ever be easy, but I do know that it will be a life filled with powerful memories and meaningful remembrances of a boy who meant so much to so many people.  I'm excited about the events planned for the months ahead (the 10k in March and half-marathon in April, a black-tie fundraiser for Phoenix Children's Hospital, a virtual birthday party for Grant) and the wonderful causes that will benefit from them.  Quite the legacy for a five-month-old boy....

My Granty...one of the loves of my life.

Heightened Awareness

Since we were in Denver last weekend, I had scheduled a make-up swim class for Alexa this even.   Despite my best efforts to make the class enjoyable - scheduling it with her favorite Coach Anthony, promising her ice cream afterwards, etc… - the lesson did not start out very well.  Against my better judgement, I agreed to walk her out onto the pool deck, and when I turned to walk back to the sitting area, I had a sobbing Alexa chasing after me.  Great….just what I needed after a long day of work.  I literally had to pry her off of me with Anthony pulling her to get her into the pool.  Thankfully, Anthony knows Alexa pretty well, and he’s quite the charmer himself, so he had Alexa giggling and smiling within a few minutes.  Whew!

It perplexes me that this little girl is such a natural and fearless athlete at every sport she’s tried, but for some reason, swimming lessons petrify her.  I’m determined to have her swimming by the summer, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that it’s suddenly going to click one day.  The manager of the swim school actually chatted with me after class, and we're going to try adding Thursday night lessons (on the house...a very nice gesture from the school) to see if the frequency of lessons helps.  If this doesn't work, switching to female instructors is next - - can you tell everyone is grasping at straws for answers (lol)?  The next lesson is on Sunday….just three short days away.

On a separate note, while running as a tribute to Granty has become my new thing, Damon created a driving tribute to Granty.  When Grant was going to chemo on Tuesdays, I had seen an advertisements for the ‘Fight Childhood Cancer’ license plates, so it was a no-brainer to get this special cause license plate when Damon renewed his Volvo registration.  

Speaking of fighting childhood cancer, a friend made me aware of this online petition to raise awareness for Pediatric Cancer.  It is unfortunate that it took Granty's diagnosis to make me aware of the all too common nature of this disease.  Only 4,000 more signatures are needed, so please feel free to sign the petition if you’re interested:  https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/light-white-house-gold-month-september-honor-pediatric-cancer-fighters-and-bring-light-cause/syV6M6wX.

Damon's license plate - a very sweet tribute that benefits a great cause.
I have a feeling it could also get him out of a ticket.... :)