Looking Back

September has been a tough month for me, as I have been thinking constantly about what was happening just one year ago.  Last September began with the quest to understand why Granty wasn't putting on the weight he should, culminating with that fateful MRI on September 27th.  In the span of less than two weeks, he had two visits with his pediatrician, an occupational therapy session, a swallowing study, an appointment with a pediatric gastroenterologist and another appointment with a pediatric neurologist.  We were so lucky to have such amazing medical resources available to us, and most importantly, a pediatrician who trusted my gut instinct when I felt that something was not right.  There's no doubt we did everything possible for Granty - a feeling that continues to provide me bit of solace one year later.

Yesterday, the Sunday mass at the Armenian church in Yettem (outside of Visalia) included a special intention for the one-year anniversary of the passing of Damon's grandmother, who passed away last August.  As we drove to the church yesterday morning, I couldn't help but think about bringing Granty, strapped to me in the Baby Bjorn, to her funeral.  The priest mentioned Granty in the memorial, and just hearing "Grant Vartkes Hovannisian" brought me to tears.  Alexa saw I was upset (something I tried in vain to hide from her), and she sweetly tried to wipe the tears off my face and stroked the back of my hair.  Thankfully, my sister-in-law Gia saw what a mess I was, and she quickly shifted seats and Alexa became distracted by her cousin Luke.  What a month of raw emotions!

After the emotionally draining day yesterday, Damon and I went to the cemetery this morning to pay tribute to our little boy.  His headstone is not yet complete, as a lot of the etching is done by hand, but it was still a surreal experience.  Nevertheless, his plot is clearly identified, and it was clear frequent visitors have ensured his site is well-maintained.  Damon and I laid some fresh flowers and said hello to our baby boy, knowing he's in a better place - no doctors' appointments, no chemo, no lifelong concerns about vision, brain function, etc....  As painful as it is for us, Damon and I both commented that we are relieved he did not endure a life of suffering.  The visit today was emotional but it provided some comfort in the ongoing grieving process.

Forever my baby boy.....