Show of Emotion

"Gone Gone Gone" played on the radio as Alexa and I drove home from school tonight, and she was belting out the words at the top of her lungs.  When it approached the end of the song - - and her favorite part, "Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating" - - I noticed she stopped singing.  I turned around, and poor Alexa had tears welling in her eyes.  I knew she was thinking about Granty and getting sadder as the song played.

Thankfully we were nearly home, and as soon as I went around to get her out of her car seat, the tears began to flow.  Of course, I started crying too, and I all could do was hug her and remind her that all of us miss Granty too.  Gut-wrenching.  After she began to calm herself, she showed an emotion I have never seen her display in this situation...she became angry.  It wasn't at anyone in particular, and it was well-controlled, but for the first time, she was visibly and vocally angry that her baby brother died.  She yelled over and over again, "Why isn't he alive?  He should not have died!"  As much as this broke my heart, I must also admit that a part of me was relieved to see her show these emotions.  I have always wondered if she was harboring any anger about the experiences she's had to endure at such a young age.  When she burst out it anger, it was a very honest display of emotion.  Trust me - - I have felt exactly this same way time and time again.

As Damon and I quickly discovered, Alexa's age group (3-4 years old) falls within a relative "black hole" when it comes to grief support.  The youngest age for most sibling support groups is five or six years-old, so Damon and I have been using the resources provided to us by Phoenix Children's and supporting Alexa and her expression of grief however we can.  However, as I have learned over the past six months, culminating tonight, despite her age, Alexa shares the same emotions as the rest of us.  It's pretty amazing what a now four year-old is able to comprehend and process.

I knew Alexa was feeling better when she climbed into bed tonight, cuddling up to the giant floppy giraffe, and said, "Good night, Granty.  I love you, and I'm glad your spirit is still in my heart."  Once again, a four year-old little girl continues to echo the sentiments of all of us....

Love at first sight....